It's been a while since I actually wrote an update about me without being cryptic. Perhaps it's because there's not a lot that I can say that I haven't already said too many times before. There's only so many "woe is me" entries I can take before I go completely insane.

I still haven't left Raleigh. I'm not ready to leave, I love it here. I drove out to see the beach yesterday and despite the cold, I enjoyed it. It was peaceful and it allowed me time to be by myself and think. I wasn't brave enough to stick my feet in the water because, quite honestly, it looked absolutely freezing. So instead, I sat down in the sand, wrapped my arms around my knees and spent the longest time just staring at the ocean. I've decided I need to do that more often. It has a surprisingly theraputic effect on me, which maybe I need.

I should be leaving in a couple of days and going up north to visit my parents. It's been months since I've been home and I owe my grandma a visit. She's going to want to know what's happened these last few months, and I think she's the only person I feel completely comfortable confiding in. She's the one of the only people I know that'll be willing to hear me out, tears and all, no matter what. And when I'm finished, she'll be the one to tell me that I'll get through whatever hardships I'm facing and that I'll be okay. And no matter what, I'll believe her.

This vacation has been long needed. I've worked myself into a state of constant frustration. I'm at the point where I'm so tired of feeling this way and I'll do just about anything to get back to feeling like me again. Because this, what I am right now, isn't me. I don't laugh nearly as much as I used to. I sit in bed at night and feel tears running down my face for no reason at all. I'm ready for this feeling of hopelessness, or whatever it may be, to go away. I need to find me again.