Since I’m feeling inspired this evening, get ready to either read a whole load of jumbled thoughts that are swirling around in my head or to just scroll past it. I won’t blame you if you want to do the latter. I don’t know if any of you have read John’s last update but I’m just going to elaborate on that and start from there.

It’s been a month since we met that day at the coffee shop in Texas. It seems so long ago but yet I remember it so vividly. It was so awkward seeing him there after not speaking to him for so long, but that all too familiar feeling in my stomach returned nonetheless, which surprised me. He invited me to the show that night, so of course I went. I watched him perform like I have so many times before, but for some reason, that night, that show, sticks out in my mind as the turning point for me. I watched him from the corner of the stage, completely unaware of the smile on my face. He sang Comfortable that night, something that he normally doesn’t do. I remember that because when he sang the line, “…gray sweatpants, no makeup, so perfect…” he looked over at me and gave me one of those signature crooked grins of his. I couldn’t help but smile back but before I realized it, there were tears slowly running down my cheeks. I tried to wipe them away quickly before he saw them, but he looked over again just as I was hastily wiping them away. He never brought it up with me after, which I’m grateful for because I’m not sure I wanted to tell him the reason for them.

He caught me off guard again when he asked me to stay with him on tour. I agreed probably a little too quickly, but looking back on it, I’m glad I did. It gave us a chance to rebuild some of what we lost, friendship-wise. I let some of my guard down around him, I allowed him back in to my life. As the days went by, that natural flirtation began taking effect again. We’d lie together watching TV in the back of the bus after shows, or I’d instinctively grab his hand when we walked together. But that day at the beach was what took my breath away. There’s no other way to explain it other than perfect. Sitting in the sand with his arms around me…it was something I hadn’t had in a long time. It was something I didn’t want from anyone but him. I still don’t think he knows how much that day means to me. It’s the little things that make a difference. They can sometimes turn the world as you know it upside down and backwards.

Since that day one month ago, I haven’t spent a day without him. I wake up every morning to him breathing steadily next to me. As clichéd as this may sound, I’ve found myself on various mornings, laying there next to him, half awake just…memorizing his face, his features. I was amazed at how much I’d forgotten about him in the months we weren’t together. I like to think of this time, and the last month, as my time to make up for what I missed since December. In a lot of ways, it’s different. We’ve both changed, I’ve grown and so has he. We’re not so caught up in the official-ness of things this time. It’s more about the spontaneity of it all. The last thing he needs is to worry about what we are. In time, these things will clarify themselves. This time around, I’m not pushing anything on him. I’m not expecting anything out of him. He’ll give me as much of himself as he wants to and I’ll be grateful for that. I’m not asking for anything more than his company. I’ve realized that was my mistake the first time around, I asked for too much. It got too serious, too fast. But now, at this pace, I’ve found that I’m more comfortable and I’ve noticed that he is too. So this is how it’ll stay for now.

you can cross the line whenever you want to
close your mind and waste some time if you have to
i'm calling it love soon