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I wrote a whole long entry before but DJ ate it, so I will try again. If this doesn’t work I am giving up and you’re not getting another update from me for another week. :D
So anyway, as I was saying before DJ starting being a punk, I’ve only just realized what a hazy blur 2003 has been. Granted, some parts are definitely clearer than others, but mostly it’s just one big haze. I find it sort of disturbing that what I remember most about 2003 are the mistakes I made and all the regrets I have. For me, last year was one big learning experience. A lot of things happened, both good and bad. I found out a lot about myself, both my weaknesses and my capabilities. I can’t say I’m completely proud of some of my actions, but hey, I’m only human. Give me a break. Since I am in a particularly cynical mood, this is going to focus on my screw-ups more than anything else. I give you fair warning.
Princeton. This time last year I was fully convinced that by the fall I would be a student at Princeton University. I mean, I’ve deferred enough times and this year seemed like a good year to be going back. I had it all planned out, I would be wrapping up Tad Hamilton somewhere around the end of July and then I would spend the next month preparing for college. And then I received a script for a film written by Kevin Spacey. A little voice in the back of my head is practically screaming, “You’re an idiot if you don’t take this role.” Going with a gut feeling, I read the script, and obviously fell in love with it. It was at this point where I realized that I had to take on this role. As much as college means to me, acting is my passion. It’s addicting and this opportunity was too good to pass up. So, I gave Mr. Spacey a call and gladly accepted the role. The hardest part about my decision was writing to the Dean at Princeton and asking for permission to defer for yet another year. I was so disappointed, and I felt guilty for being even the slightest bit excited about doing a film with Kevin Spacey. Strike one.
I am a firm believer that the people you surround yourself with are the ones who make you happy, the ones you know you can count on. Up until last year, I could count those people on one hand. But over the summer, I made some friends that I hope will be with me forever. Julia Stiles, Clay Aiken, Keri Russell, Hayden Christiansen, Heath Ledger, and last but certainly not least Rachael Leigh Cook. Looking back, it scares me to think that I almost lost three of them. I still maintain that I nearly lost them due to my selfishness and my tendency to speak before I think. I have never really thought things through before I said them, and it wasn’t until this summer that I realized what a huge fault that is. I am damn lucky that they didn’t up and leave and say, “Screw it” because I don’t know what I would have done. I know you are probably tired of me bringing this whole thing up repeatedly, but I cannot tell any of you how sorry I am for that whole thing. Everything that I said…my actions…I’m so sorry. Yep so, strike two.
I bet you all know what strike three is going to be. It’s not like I haven’t written enough teary-eyed posts about this but guess what, here comes one more. I would love to tell you all that this is going to be the last one, but I can’t even promise you that. Love can be the most unexpected thing, sometimes. Sometimes it just sneaks up on you where you least expect it. That’s its job, I guess. The more you look for love, the more difficult it is to find. If you’d have told me last year that I was going to date John Mayer, I would have slapped you over the head. Not only would the idea have been completely preposterous, it’s not nice to toy with a girl’s emotions like that. Hahaha, in other words, you would have deserved that slap. But then he came into my life, we became friends. All of a sudden, he was in my apartment and we were sitting on my couch and I leaned over and kissed him. I didn’t know that two months later I would be in love for the first time in my life. It was like I was in this surreal dream and I didn’t want to wake up, I wanted to sleep forever. But that’s the thing about dreams, sooner or later you wake up. When you wake up from a dream like that, your heart just drops when you realize that it’s over. Then the disappointment sets in, then comes the anger. Eventually though, you move on and you become indifferent to what would have happened had you stayed asleep. I, on the other hand, can’t seem to stop lingering on this one dream. I’m lacking the closure that I need to let it go and move on. I’m starting to resent him for just leaving me without one good, solid reason as to why the dream had to be over. It’s not fair. But hey, I guess it never is. I just pray that I don’t regret our relationship. I pray that I can recognize it for what it was and move on and remember it as the first time I fell in love. And the first time love kicked me in the ass. And that, obviously, would be strike three.
In a way, I’m happy that this year is over. It’s been a good one in some respects, but not so great in others. I’m ready for 2004, I think. :-\
There’s more I could add to this, but I’ll spare you. Happy New Year everyone.
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