kate bosworth

has it been long enough yet?

Mon, 04 Oct 2004 22:49:06 GMT

To say I've been neglectful of this journal would be putting it kindly. It's been well over a month since I've written something of substance and while I can't promise that substance now, I can always attempt it. If it works out in my favor, great, and if it doesn't.. well I don't know. Just humor me.

I just remembered that I never got around to making one of those "one year" posts. Was I supposed to do that? I don't think it would say anything that hasn't been said before. My redundancy must get old. All it would have said was how important some of the people here are to me and how grateful I am to know them. Blah, blah, blah. It's been done before. Every one of you know who you are and hopefully I've told you at some point or another how much you mean to me.

A little more recently, though, a little anniversary passed and I almost didn't notice it. September 17th. It didn't dawn on me until I was about to fall asleep that night that it was the one year anniversary of the first time we kissed/began dating the first time around. Funny how I remember those things, isn't it? For a second, the entire scene began to play in my head, it was so clear and detailed and I had to smile to myself. It felt like such a long time ago, we're both so different now than back then it seems. I don't know, it was a nice memory and it made me smile. I looked over and saw him and I really was grateful that he was there, still with me.

But perhaps the real reason of this post is because today, October 4th, is the birthday of my very best friend in the world. Rach, I know I haven't exactly been around a lot and you don't know how sorry I am for that. I miss you so much and we're well overdue for a girls weekend or something. Last year I treated you to dinner at the Olive Garden and an all day spa treatment thing so I was thinking that it'd be a nice thing to do again sometime soon. I guess you could say a lot has happened that I could fill you in on ( and if you're thinking what I think you're thinking.. that's not it. ;) and plus, it'd be so great to see you again. We'll talk and make plans soon enough. But for now I just wanted to say that I love you and happy birthday.

Substantial enough? I think so.

Mon, 30 Aug 2004 16:00:44 GMT

Sun, 22 Aug 2004 16:04:11 GMT

This was written a while ago and I'm just now getting around to posting it. I've been meaning to write an update seeing as I haven't been around all that much so consider this my compensation..or something. I promise one of these days I'll write something interesting but for now this is all I have.

I just realized that I haven't done a real update in over ten weeks so this is really long overdue. The last time I updated I was in LA and had been for almost two months. The movie I was supposed to film cut my part at the last minute so I just decided I'd go home since I hadn't been in my apartment in two months. In a way, it's what I needed to do. I contemplated going back to New York to be with John but at that point, I knew that if I went back, I'd somehow find myself in over my head and I wanted to avoid that as much as I could. So for two more months, the only times I'd talk to him were through phone conversations and occasional emails. I hadn't noticed until then how talkative he is. There were times when I'd let him ramble on and on about whatever he wanted to talk about just so I could listen to his voice. Perhaps it's just me, but his voice alone is enough to calm every nerve in my body. I told him that once and even if he thought I was completely insane, he never said anything. I think the time apart was a good building block for our relationship at that point, it allowed us to really get to know eachother like we should have before.

Maybe it's because I have a short attention span or the fact that I just can't stay in one place by myself for too long, I took the initiative and flew to New York during his last week of rehearsals before the tour. I made some calls in advance and set up a time and place where I could surprise him; and surprise him I did. After all those weeks just hearing his voice, actually seeing him, touching him made it ten times better. At that point, I knew how I felt about him. I'd known for a while, to tell you the truth, but I still had doubts about a lot of things. Apparently he didn't though because within the first five minutes of me arriving, he told me something that washed those doubts down the drain. It was kind of a funny situation because there we were, sitting on the floor while his band was rehearsing behind us and he was holding my hands and just started talking about the way things were in the past. I'll admit, I didn't know what he was trying to say at first and right after I assured him that the past was the past he came out and said it. It was a very surreal moment for me, to be honest. The place seemed to go completely silent and it was just him and me. It was real now, I knew at that moment that I really loved him and the realization that he loved me back just multiplied everything by ten. The words seemed to roll off his tongue with such ease that it gave me the chills. Like I said, it was an extremely surreal moment.

Since then (and that was a little over two months ago) I've been keeping him company while he's touring because I'm just a great girlfriend like that. I've gotten used this nomadic lifestyle oddly enough. At the end of the day, he's always there next to me and that's really all I need. It's hard to find time alone but when we do, we make the most of it and we're grateful for what we do get to see of eachother. Most nights we just close off the back of the bus and lay together on the couches and watch movies or TV. To me, it's perfection and I wouldn't have it any other way. It's amazing how hard it is saying those three words for the first time to someone but after that, they come out as easy as they please. Every morning, every night and more than several times throughout the day I hear them ... and say them. And every single time I smile, I can't help it. Each day is better than the last and it's been that way for five months now. Five months. It's strange to think I met him here almost year ago and within that year he's become such a major part of my life. I have never regretted one moment spent with him, and to me, that's really saying something. He's fufilled every one of my expectations, and then some. In a lot of ways, he's everying I never knew I wanted.

There is more I could add to all of this but to save you from a possible overshare of information (and possibly because I'm feeling particularly lazy at the moment) I'll stop here. The tour is almost done, next week it wraps up I believe. We'll probably head back to New York and after that.. I don't really know, to tell you the truth. Let things progress naturally from there. There's a lot to be considered but in the end all that matters is that we're happy, and we are. There's no better feeling than that.

I love you.

Wed, 28 Jul 2004 03:06:23 GMT

Date updated: 2004-06-22 19:59:12, 5 weeks ago (someone isn't updating their account!)

Well folks, I do believe that's a record for me. Hi.

Wed, 23 Jun 2004 02:58:56 GMT

look at me, i'm sandra dee. :[

and a little spaceworth for you, clay ;)

Sat, 12 Jun 2004 03:12:34 GMT

I keep telling myself to sit down and write that "one year" post, but laziness has gotten the better of me. Well, I guess I could blame it on the fact that I haven't really sat down at the computer long enough or that I just don't have the energy to write another thoughtful update. I've run out of inspiration, if you will. I really do love you all lots, though. I swear I'll write something meaningful in here eventually. Tonight is just not that night.

I've been back in LA for roughly a week now and it's both a relief and a bit strange to be home again. I haven't slept in my bed for a good five months, I do believe that's a record. I walked through the door quite late on Friday night and looked around, realizing how foreign it seemed. Being the huge wuss that I am, I ran around to each room and turned on every light in sight. I hate being alone in the dark, I always have. I cleaned out the refridgerator and most of the kitchen of old food and whatnot, which meant that I had to order out. I spent the remainder of the night sitting on my couch with my Chinese noodles, watching Return of the King. Yes, I'm that much of a dork. Hey, at least I can admit it.

Since I can't seem to stay alone for long periods of time, I decided to go out on Saturday night and who else should I run into but Orlando. I hung around long enough for the press to get a few good pictures of me looking incredibly uncomfortable/bored with him and his friends. I never win, seriously. I managed to ditch them (politely of course) and thought about dropping by to see Rach and Clay but then I figured it would be more convienient if I didn't do so on a Saturday night. For obvious reasons. Cough. :[

How do I always manage to write completely pointless entries? I amaze myself sometimes. On a brighter note, I got some new icons. This is a momentous event since there are hardly any good pictures of me anymore so go check them out. And maybe even give me a reason to use them. That's a hint.

Fri, 04 Jun 2004 00:29:25 GMT

Date created: 2003-06-03 12:09:44

I don't know, I found that amusing.

Sat, 22 May 2004 19:31:23 GMT

I think I'm giving up completely on those thoughtful entries, they're too god damn draining. I can hear your sighs of relief already.

The last two weeks seem to have gone by without anything worthy of mentioning. (until recently, keep reading.) Work is work and I'm getting through it, I guess. I did take a break last week to go to the Cannes Film Festival for the Troy premiere. Don't ask me what made me wear that red dress. Something about it just made me fall in love with it, even if I really don't have the boobs to fill it out properly. It's a curse, I tell you. If there really was such a thing as the `itty bitty titty club`, I'd be in it. :'( My life. But the movie was good and I like keeping the press guessing about whether or not I'm dating Orlando Bloom. Har. I am really witty sometimes. I met Brad Pitt though. That's really all that's worth mentioning anyway.

After that, it was back to work. I've kind of fallen into a dazed routine. Get up, go to the set, make-up and wardrobe, shoot my scenes for the say, go back to the hotel, watch a movie, and go to sleep. For the most part, that's how I spend my days. Add in there a few phone calls before I go to sleep and there you have it. It's still lonely but I've managed to get at least a little bit more focused so it's not as hard anymore. I have to say though, I really think I have the best friends...like ever. A few days ago, who else but Rachael and Clay show up at the set out of no where. I guess I was just a little happy to see them because I hadn't seen them in what seemed like forever. I kind of jumped on both of them when I saw them. They must be used to this reaction by now.

So, my routine has been ruined and thankfully so. We went out a few nights, to dinner and the like. It's so unbelievably nice to have them both here. Having them around is like having that old comfort zone back, and I missed it so much. I needed them to come more than I realized it. Sigh, this is great. :-[

If you'll notice my icon, it looks like I've finally discovered that `tan in a can` look that's so popular now. I am so trendy. :'( I think I need that trip to Hawaii right about now. Or, you know, New York would do it too. If it wasn't obvious yet, hi I miss you. :\

This is all over the place so it'd be better to just let it die right about now. Hi to all the new people. :-[

``promise we won't fall apart ...``

Sun, 09 May 2004 20:11:26 GMT

This is too long not to cut, I think. So, I'll spare your friends pages once again.

People say it takes two months of doing something everyday before it becomes habit. It takes that long for your body to become accustomed to whatever it's doing, whether it be waking up at a certain time, buckling your seatbelt whenever you get into a car, or even something as simple as which shoe you put on first. After a while, some things become second nature to you. Sometimes, you don't realize what habits you've developed until you're forced to change your ways. Breaking a habit can be the hardest thing in the world, but if you're insistant enough with yourself, it's not impossible.

I've always been very determined and focused when it comes to what I do. I usually take weeks to prepare for a role, allowing myself adequate time to `become` the character. I'm not accustomed to having scripts thrown at me just days before I'm due to begin filming. To be fair, I had a feeling this would be coming. I'd hoped it be later rather than sooner but I suppose two months could be considered `later`, right? The problem with this is that for the first time since I started doing this, I've come to realize that I'm beginning to dread the thought of getting up each morning. Generally I don't let anything distract me when I'm working, but lately my head has been filled with nothing but distractions. I'm trying so hard to conceal it and do what I came here to do. It's hard to comply, though, when I didn't exactly come by choice. There are obvious places I'd rather be, and it shows.

The first night was the hardest. I walked into the empty hotel room and just stood there in the middle of it, not sure of what to do. I couldn't bring myself to sleep in the bed, it was too perfectly made and desolate. I collapsed onto the couch instead. For a moment, I thought I heard him behind me, I thought I saw him next to me. My mind was playing cruel tricks on me because he wasn't there. I looked around the room and it hit me that I was truely all alone. It was then that the tears came. I'd been doing my best to hold them back, but I just couldn't any longer. I sat in complete silence and let them roll down my face, making no attempt to brush them way. They came until there were none left. I curled up with his sweatshirt that I'd taken before I left. I don't remember when I finally fell asleep, but I do remember waking up in the middle of the night and reaching out for him instinctively only to realize, of course, that he wasn't there.

I hate to admit it, but I took him for granted these past few months. I assumed that he'd always be there when I reached out for him. I refused to think of a time when he wouldn't be because I lived like that for what seemed like forever and I never want to go back to that. I let myself think that that's how life was going to be from then on ... just like those two months. That was my biggest mistake because now I don't think I want to live without him, I don't think I can. And that thought alone scares the hell out of me. Then there is the simple fact that I can't seem to shake it from my head. He's the only comfort I have right now, whether he wants to be or not, and he's not here.

i hope and i pray,
waiting to find a way back to you
'cause that's where i'm home.

Sun, 25 Apr 2004 03:32:46 GMT

I was origionally going to make this a two-in-one type update, but I've decided against it. I mean, I could sit here and narrate the happenings of my life at this point, but in all honesty, this whole entry took a lot more out of me than I thought it would. It's been a work in progress for the past few days or so and I'm aware that most everyone will scroll past it and that's completely fine with me. So, I believe you now have a choice ... click or scroll. ;)

I've become a pretty decent photographer since I've been here and I've started a little scrapbook of the pictures I've been taking. They're mostly of the sights; the ocean, sunsets, beaches, etc. I even managed to squeeze a few in of us, though I tend to stay away from taking too many of those. I'd rather not clutter it with my face, but instead with his. Of course there are ones I've taken where he's giving me the evil look that basically says "get that fucking thing out of my face" (they're the ones that amuse me the most, oops. :x) Then there are some that just...take my breath away. I'm not talking about my photography skills either. I'm referring to the actual images I've captured onto the film. There was one night in particular, as I was getting out of the shower I heard the familiar sounds of his guitar coming from the bedroom. As soon as I entered into the room, I saw him sitting on the bed, bent over slightly, playing his guitar. His back was to me, so he didn't see me right away. For several moments, I just stood there watching him, listening to him play. I quietly made my way nearer to him and sat down on the floor next to the bed. He stopped then and gave me one of those looks of his (remember that smile I mentioned a few entries back?), and I just shook my head and told him to keep going. On my way over, I had grabbed my camera out of my bag. I began taking pictures, not just of his face (yes, I still think "those faces" are the best ever), but also his hands as he played. As strange as it may sound, I love his hands. I love watching them do what they do best, moving so naturally as he's playing. It's beautful, really. I fell asleep listening to him play. The next thing I knew, I could feel him lifting me up and placing me in the bed, pulling the covers over me. I didn't fall asleep again until he was next to me a short while later. I'll never forget that night. I never want to.

I've been hesitant about actually putting what I'm feeling into words. For one, I know that I could never do these emotions justice. I've said that before and it still holds true. There have been times, split seconds where I was so close to just opening up completely to him. Thankfully, I've bitten my tongue just in time...every time. I promised myself back in Texas that I wouldn't let myself fall back to what I was, I was going to be strong this time. Those kinds of promises are meant to be broken. These kinds of things aren't exactly things you can push aside whenever they're inconvienient to you. That feeling in your stomach doesn't fade away, as much as you will it to. That smile you've been trying to hide still creeps out, no matter how hard you try to hold it back. Sooner or later, those words you've been longing to say, the ones you've been biting back, they'll slip through your lips as easily as they please. They don't care about the consequences. Eventually, your tongue becomes numb to all that biting and there's nothing you can do to hold those words any longer. I'm not sure if this could be considered as one of the beautiful aspects of life or one of the most dangerous. The risk is high and I'm not sure I'm ready to take that leap and hope beyond all hope that I don't destroy all chances of finally retrieving what I had.

Having been on a tour where the majority of the people surrounding me are men, I've tried to get a male perspective on some of these things. From the start Adam and I found it quite easy to talk with one another. There were many nights, those first nights on the bus when I couldn't sleep, when we'd sit up and talk. One night in particular, I remember him asking about "the first time around" with me and John ... and for the first time, I let it all out. I told Adam everything; how we met, the day he came to my apartment to apologize for being an asshole (his words entirely, I swear), the first time we kissed, our time together in Germany. I don't know what made me tell him everything, but again, it wasn't something I could control. It was pouring out of me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. When I finally got around to the end, I realized that at some point I'd started crying. I'd pushed all those memories of that relationship to the back of my mind and being able to release them finally ... I felt physically lighter. It was at that point that Adam looked at me, dead serious, and told me that I had a choice. I could hold what happened with John against him, therefore never really forgiving him ... or I could try to understand why he did what he did and accept it as a lapse in his own self-confidance and forgive him for it. He then told me that'd he'd personally take me to the airport the next morning if I chose the first option, because he said it'd be a waste of my time and energy if I stayed. I thought long and hard about what he'd said that night. Needless to say, that was another sleepless night. Come morning, I left a note in Adam's bunk that simply said:

...i can't turn and walk away this way...

Now here I am, almost two months later, still here. I never really told Adam how thankful I am for that night. My gratitude extends beyond words. I don't think even I realized how much I needed to get all of it out in the open, it was killing me keeping it inside. His advice is a big part of the reason I'm as happy as I am right now. He made me realize that this, what John and I have, is worth fixing. I've been trying as hard as I can to allow myself to be the person I was before all of this happened. But, thinking on it now, I am who I am because of what happened. All of your experiences in life are what shape you into the person you are. Right now, regardless of everything that happened, I can honestly say that I'm happy with the person I've become. There are still several areas that I'd like to improve but I'm hoping that I'll have help with that task because I'm not sure I can do it alone. I have enough faith in the people around me to know that, in their own way, they'll help shape me into the person I want to be. Most of them already have.

I have been trying to think of a decent way to wrap this up only to come up empty. There's so much more I could say but I know that if I said more, I'd start to make even less sense than I do throughout this entire entry. Instead, I'm going to say that, yes, I am a work in progress. I'm not perfect, far from it. It's a comfort to know that I'm not the only one on that boat. It's okay if I make a bad judgement call and it's okay if he does too. We're all entitled to our bad days (and in some cases, weeks or even months), right? I just hope that I have more of these kinds of days in my future, days where I don't dread the end because I know that tomorrow might be a little better. It's nice to have something to look forward to when I go to bed at night. Just like it's nice to be able to fall asleep to him playing his music, then waking up to those hands, those beautiful hands, wrapped around me so comfortably. I've never felt more content than when I'm with him.

i do know one thing,
where you are is where i belong.

i do know where you go is where i want to be

Mon, 19 Apr 2004 22:20:45 GMT

Mainly for my amusement. :D

sorry but i just had to :x

moves friends page

Mon, 12 Apr 2004 20:30:04 GMT

Back again, hi. Only this time, I'm writing from New Zealand. Quite honestly, it's probably the most beautiful place I've been to. Not to mention that everywhere I go, there are people talking with those awesome accents. I'm so unbelivably amused because they all sound like that crocodile hunter. I've had to restrain myself a few times from using the term "crikey" ... it's a good thing too, because I get enough weird looks already due to the fact that I am so obviously American.

Anyway, last Thursday we flew in to Seattle to see Rach and Clay. It was quite perfect because Rachael was supposed to be arriving the same time as we were. We got there a little before her and met Clay, then met her at her gate. The rest of the afternoon was pretty much spent at the hotel, just resting. We (Rach, John, and myself) walked into the show just as it was starting. I was thouroughly amused watching both Kelly and Clay. I was singing along to all the songs because I'm a nerd like that. Though at one point, I became a little too interested in John to pay much attention. Oops. Rachael graciously pretended not to notice, but of course she brought it up later at dinner. All in all, the day was fun and what I needed. I hadn't seen either Rach or Clay since..god, I guess it was the wedding, so it we were definetly due for a night out.

The next morning we were on a plane again, on our way to New Zealand. We're here until Wednesday, then we move on to Australia for a week. I'm so excited, you have no idea. I'm such a tourist, it's rather sad actually. It's great though because at the end of the day, I get to be with him...just him, and that in it itself makes everything that much better. I could go on, but right now, I'd rather not. I'll save all that for a later date.

Mon, 05 Apr 2004 00:44:42 GMT

Since I’m feeling inspired this evening, get ready to either read a whole load of jumbled thoughts that are swirling around in my head or to just scroll past it. I won’t blame you if you want to do the latter. I don’t know if any of you have read John’s last update but I’m just going to elaborate on that and start from there.

It’s been a month since we met that day at the coffee shop in Texas. It seems so long ago but yet I remember it so vividly. It was so awkward seeing him there after not speaking to him for so long, but that all too familiar feeling in my stomach returned nonetheless, which surprised me. He invited me to the show that night, so of course I went. I watched him perform like I have so many times before, but for some reason, that night, that show, sticks out in my mind as the turning point for me. I watched him from the corner of the stage, completely unaware of the smile on my face. He sang Comfortable that night, something that he normally doesn’t do. I remember that because when he sang the line, “…gray sweatpants, no makeup, so perfect…” he looked over at me and gave me one of those signature crooked grins of his. I couldn’t help but smile back but before I realized it, there were tears slowly running down my cheeks. I tried to wipe them away quickly before he saw them, but he looked over again just as I was hastily wiping them away. He never brought it up with me after, which I’m grateful for because I’m not sure I wanted to tell him the reason for them.

He caught me off guard again when he asked me to stay with him on tour. I agreed probably a little too quickly, but looking back on it, I’m glad I did. It gave us a chance to rebuild some of what we lost, friendship-wise. I let some of my guard down around him, I allowed him back in to my life. As the days went by, that natural flirtation began taking effect again. We’d lie together watching TV in the back of the bus after shows, or I’d instinctively grab his hand when we walked together. But that day at the beach was what took my breath away. There’s no other way to explain it other than perfect. Sitting in the sand with his arms around me…it was something I hadn’t had in a long time. It was something I didn’t want from anyone but him. I still don’t think he knows how much that day means to me. It’s the little things that make a difference. They can sometimes turn the world as you know it upside down and backwards.

Since that day one month ago, I haven’t spent a day without him. I wake up every morning to him breathing steadily next to me. As clichéd as this may sound, I’ve found myself on various mornings, laying there next to him, half awake just…memorizing his face, his features. I was amazed at how much I’d forgotten about him in the months we weren’t together. I like to think of this time, and the last month, as my time to make up for what I missed since December. In a lot of ways, it’s different. We’ve both changed, I’ve grown and so has he. We’re not so caught up in the official-ness of things this time. It’s more about the spontaneity of it all. The last thing he needs is to worry about what we are. In time, these things will clarify themselves. This time around, I’m not pushing anything on him. I’m not expecting anything out of him. He’ll give me as much of himself as he wants to and I’ll be grateful for that. I’m not asking for anything more than his company. I’ve realized that was my mistake the first time around, I asked for too much. It got too serious, too fast. But now, at this pace, I’ve found that I’m more comfortable and I’ve noticed that he is too. So this is how it’ll stay for now.

you can cross the line whenever you want to
close your mind and waste some time if you have to
i'm calling it love soon

Tue, 30 Mar 2004 21:39:35 GMT

It seems I can't even last a week without updating. I think there's something wrong with me, mostly due to the fact that nothing of importance happened since the last time I posted, and yet I feel the need to write something. We're back in New York...have been since yesterday. He was on Letterman last night. I didn't go with him, but I did watch from the apartment. I really only watched for Janet Jackson, though. Oops. He knows I'm kidding. Even after watching him almost every night, it never gets old. Maybe it's just me and the fact that I'm a little biased, who knows. Okay so the truth be told, I'm only doing this so I can post these lyrics. I'm weird, but you all knew that already.

suddenly these emotions are in control of my heart.
can you see it in my eyes?
every glance, every smile must give me away,
and i feel so much i can’t hide

that i don’t know what i’m doing anymore.
i’m feeling like a little girl,
caught up in emotions.
i’m out of control.
isn’t it obvious?

hi rlcook :-*

Tue, 23 Mar 2004 20:11:58 GMT

So, hi. It's been a while.

I'm still with that Mayer kid, we're in ... Michigan, I think? I'm not good at keeping up with these things. At the end of the month, he has a little break in the schedule for about 12 days, which I am really looking forward to. He's performing on Letterman on the 29th so I guess we'll spend the break at his place in Manhattan. That means I get to sleep in a real bed. (:D) God, that day cannot come soon enough.

Moving on. adamlevine decided to grace us with his presence. I take back everything nice I said about him two entries back. He's a horrible, mean man who likes nothing more than to make my life miserable. Who am I kidding, I like to harass him a little too much. I gain too much amusement at the fact that he hates me. :') Hi Adam, the keywords for this icon are just for you. :-*

Speaking of guys who like to make my life hell, scottspeedman arrived as well. I've noticed how high the level of his arrogance has risen since the last time I saw him. If you don't believe me, just read the first paragraph in his latest update. Hi, Scott I'm only kidding. You know I'm a Ben fan now and forever all right. And be nice to Keri. >:O

One last thing...

HI KERI HAPPY BIRTHDAY I LOVE YOU!!!! :-* you will get your presents the next time I see you. <3

Wed, 17 Mar 2004 02:01:35 GMT

I don't have anything to say really. What a shocker, right? :[

how does it feel to know
you never have to be alone
when you get home?
there must be someplace here
that only you and i could go
so i can show you how i feel.

Sat, 13 Mar 2004 03:39:33 GMT

I've sat here with this page open so many times over the last few days only to just close it out of pure frustration. I think I'm just at a loss for words, or rather, I'm at a loss to remember how to string them together into a coherent sentence. I guess that can happen when your life does a complete 180? So many emotions running through you, it's impossible to describe them all. I'll make a valid enough effort, though I can't promise it'll make much sense.

It's difficult finding a place to start, really. I could take you through it on a day by day basis or even a state by state basis, but I fear it'll just end up with me rambling endlessly and I know how quickly I'll lose your attention if that happens. Well, if I haven't already. Moving on.

The moment that sticks out the most from the past week or so is the show in Florida. It wasn't anything about the show in particular, but more so about the day after. We kind of broke away from everyone to be by ourselves for a bit. Of all the predictable places he could have taken me, I have to say that I wasn't expecting to be brought to a beach. He even went as far as to cover my eyes until we reached the perfect spot in view of the ocean. It's little things like that that I wasn't prepared for. I don’t want to say that sitting with him was surreal because, as much as it seemed like it, I could feel him next to me. I was aware of how close he was and how every time he touched my skin I got goosebumps. There are not enough words to describe the close perfectness of that day. I won’t even try because I know I can’t do it justice.

Florida also marked the end of the tour for Maroon 5. I must say, they have quickly become a favorite of mine. Two words. Adam Levine. He’s the cutest kid out of all of them, I think. On the last night of their show, John went out and joined them on stage for ‘This Love’; it was a sight to see. Twelve guys on the stage, all with a guitar. It was amazing. Then later on in the show, when John was performing ‘Wonderland’, Adam and a few of the others thought it’d be funny to run out on stage with nothing but black boxers on and WONDERLAND written on their bodies. Mmm, talk about quality entertainment. I was a happy girl that night let me tell you.

So, currently we’re in Kentucky. I’ve been fighting the urge to wear my ‘Getting Lucky in Kentucky’ t-shirt mainly because I wouldn’t want people getting the wrong idea. They can form their own opinions without my help. Well actually, I have to say we’re kind of obvious sometimes but…nevermind, I’m the innocent one. Or at least I try to be. Most times.

All in all, I’m slowly turning back into me again. It’s not a rare occurrence when I notice myself smiling for no reason. I don’t know if anyone else notices this but me, but maybe that’s a good thing. Things are beginning to gain more and more clarity. No pun intended. And those butterflies are back which is definitely a good thing.

:-[

Thu, 04 Mar 2004 00:43:52 GMT

I never thought I’d ever say this, but I think that there’s a slight chance that I am going to be considered a groupie soon. That is, if I’m not thought of as one already. First of all, to clear up the obvious inappropriate thoughts going through your heads, I am not your typical groupie. I do not follow the band’s tour bus from city to city, nor do I go around flaunting myself like some shameless ho. It’s not like I need to, but that’s not the point.

Yes, kids, that last sentence was sarcasm, incase you missed it.

The last few nights have been spent on a tour bus and let me just say that I have to give all of you so much credit for being able to sleep in those bunks for weeks on end. Needless to say, the last few nights have been sleepless ones. It’s all right though because I’ve become quite a PlayStation addict. It’s either that or playing solitaire on my laptop until odd hours of the morning. I’ve watched so many sunrises that I am convinced that it’s now the best time of day. There’s something strangely spiritual and uplifting about watching those colors light up the sky. Oops, there I go being philosophical again.

It’s at those times, though, that I’ve been able to come to peace with myself. I’ve been able to convince myself that this trip is a good thing. It’s a way to rebuild that connection that was lost. I’ve allowed myself to forget about the past and focus on the future. There’s no use in dwelling on something that I can’t change or take back, you know? I’ve been focusing on all the things that went wrong in my life rather than paying attention to the things, and people, that make my life bearable. Those sunrises made me appreciate the new beginnings that are bound to be just around the corner. I can feel it.

`You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes.
It brought me back to life.`

suppose i said colors change for no good reason

Mon, 01 Mar 2004 02:42:25 GMT

I've been home for the last few days and I have to say, it's been nothing but relaxing. I haven't been able to sleep for as long as I wanted in a long time. I usually have the house to myself during the day, allowing me to catch up on some of my tv shows. Sometimes you need to get back to that old comfort zone, you know?

Actually, I don't know why I'm not watching the Oscars right now. Maybe it's because I've never took that much of an interest in them before. It doesn't make sense considering my profession, but then again, maybe it does. I don't know, maybe one day I will accept an award on that stage and it will change my perception of it. Who knows?

Anyway, I'll be leaving here tomorrow afternoon. I never stay home for long mainly because I want to leave before I start to take it for granted. I've always considered it a last resort to get away from certain aspects of my life. Right now, though, I need to stop hiding and actually make an effort to fix the things that need fixing. And Austin, Texas just so happens to be the ideal place seeing as the problem will be arriving there sometime tomorrow.

That last paragraph was cryptic, don't you think? Sorry.

Wed, 25 Feb 2004 03:35:03 GMT

It's been a while since I actually wrote an update about me without being cryptic. Perhaps it's because there's not a lot that I can say that I haven't already said too many times before. There's only so many "woe is me" entries I can take before I go completely insane.

I still haven't left Raleigh. I'm not ready to leave, I love it here. I drove out to see the beach yesterday and despite the cold, I enjoyed it. It was peaceful and it allowed me time to be by myself and think. I wasn't brave enough to stick my feet in the water because, quite honestly, it looked absolutely freezing. So instead, I sat down in the sand, wrapped my arms around my knees and spent the longest time just staring at the ocean. I've decided I need to do that more often. It has a surprisingly theraputic effect on me, which maybe I need.

I should be leaving in a couple of days and going up north to visit my parents. It's been months since I've been home and I owe my grandma a visit. She's going to want to know what's happened these last few months, and I think she's the only person I feel completely comfortable confiding in. She's the one of the only people I know that'll be willing to hear me out, tears and all, no matter what. And when I'm finished, she'll be the one to tell me that I'll get through whatever hardships I'm facing and that I'll be okay. And no matter what, I'll believe her.

This vacation has been long needed. I've worked myself into a state of constant frustration. I'm at the point where I'm so tired of feeling this way and I'll do just about anything to get back to feeling like me again. Because this, what I am right now, isn't me. I don't laugh nearly as much as I used to. I sit in bed at night and feel tears running down my face for no reason at all. I'm ready for this feeling of hopelessness, or whatever it may be, to go away. I need to find me again.

Sun, 22 Feb 2004 23:27:38 GMT

and i will wait to find
if this will last forever.
and i will wait to find
that it won't and it won't because it can't.
it just can't, it's not supposed to

sorry it seemed appropriate.

Fri, 20 Feb 2004 17:17:58 GMT

``You can’t love too much nobody.``

I’ve been trying to come up with a right way to start this post, but then it occurred to me that maybe there isn’t a ‘right way’ or a ‘wrong way’. You see, if there are two people in my life that I could wish all the happiness in the world to, it would be you guys. I have had the pleasure of knowing you both and becoming friends with you has been one of the best experiences of my life. I’m not just saying this to be cliché because you are getting married tomorrow. I honestly mean it. Every word.

When I met you eight months ago, I had no way of knowing that you were to become one of my closest friends. It shouldn’t have surprised me, though, because you have this aura around you that anyone would find impossible to distance themselves from you. Your personality is such that when people are around you, they can’t help but laugh with you and smile with you. You’re contagious in that manner, Clay. I could sit here all day and ramble on and on about what a genuinely beautiful person you are and it still wouldn’t be enough to describe you. I said it months ago and right now seems the perfect time to say it again, ‘You are so incredibly amazing. So many people are in love with you and I cannot blame them. You're hysterical, you're sympathetic, you're compassionate, you are talented, and you know what to say to make someone feel better. You're just a lovable person, and no one can help but just love you.’ Parts of that were said in a completely different context then, but for the most part, I still mean it.

Not even three months after meeting Clay, I met you . There was something about the way we immediately clicked that made me realize that you would be the person I’d have the pleasure to call my best friend. We’ve been through so much, and I’m honestly thankful that you are still here by my side. I don’t know what I would have done without you two months ago when I was at my most vulnerable. I needed someone to be there and hold me and tell me that I would be okay, and you did just that. Without you, I don’t know what I would have done in those few weeks. You have become my crutch when my life gets hard and I hope that I can be the same for you if ever you need one.</center>

Watching you be together these six months made me realize that what you both have together is everything I could ever want with a companion. Every aspect of your relationship has become my model for happiness. I look at you both and I see exactly what I long to have in the future. It only proves that once you meet the right person, everything falls into place by itself. I have hope that I will find that person someday. But in the meantime, watching you together is enough for me to be happy. Tomorrow you’re walking into a new life, one that’s even better than this one. May your home never be big enough to fill the people who love you. From the bottom of my heart, I love you both and I wish nothing but love and happiness for you always.

Tue, 17 Feb 2004 21:41:48 GMT

god why

they didnt have overwhelmed as a mood. why not! >:o

Tue, 17 Feb 2004 14:48:17 GMT

what am i supposed to do with 50 icons? i can't even pick 50 that i like out of the 2435356 i have. but i did bring back some really old ones. :')

oh hi clay i brought back your favorite WHERE IS MINE!!! ;D

ps why are my keywords so obnoxious

Mon, 16 Feb 2004 20:02:47 GMT

you're only a rainbow away
and i'm sitting here soaking wet waiting for you.
you're only a rainbow, just a rainbow away,
and i'm reaching out hoping that you see it too.

but i'm telling you, that i'm no fool.
cause i know what rainbows do.

they fade away.
stormy day found its way
and i wish i could hold you now.